Is It Really LOVE ?

GREEK LIFE

    Unfortunately, this article won’t be very optimistic. Not that the previous ones were, but this one definitely has a more depressive aura.

    It’s obvious even to the people around me that I don’t really feel like myself lately. I’m definitely more irritable, unable to sleep at night. More abrupt, hurting people around me. More anxious, saying the most inappropriate things in social environments. More… not me.

    A lot in my life has changed, like my social circles. Most people left, and if they didn’t, they’re in the process of drifting away. Others came back with a stronger connection that both I and they can feel. Others are weaker and more cautious about reconnecting. And me? How do I feel about all this? Neutral.

Just as neutral as I feel about the food I ate today, about the kids I supervise, about my classes at uni, about new acquaintances, and about the outings with my friends.

    Avoiding everything is surely not the solution… one would say. But avoidance used to be something familiar to me. If I approach it again, do you think I’ll find myself again, or at least a piece of me? That’s why I’ll take a “spontaneous” trip to Athens, like the old times.

    To try new things, I did that. For all these three years. Maybe I need to start trying old things.

What does something new bring?

    New things can be scary at first, stressful, uncomfortable to be around. At the same time, there’s excitement, inspiration, and maybe joy.

What does something old bring?

    Nostalgia will be one of the emotions you feel. Familiarity will show up, relaxation as well, but also boredom, sadness, and maybe anxiety about staying stagnant.

    Meanwhile, I also have my mother worrying and trying to help me, but in ways I consider not suited for me or the situation I’m in.

My moments of inspiration are decreasing, slowly fading away. My mind feels foggy, without the judgment of whats right and wrong, that I always knew so well. My self-esteem is also affected by thoughts like: “Is this really how they see me?”, “Do they actually care about me?”, “When will the moment come when this person leaves too?”, “What’s the point in trying here as well?”

    I certainly can’t find someone who understands me, and I can’t approach anyone to open up, because I feel like they’ll judge me, even if I know they won’t. If I wasn’t so tired, my emotions would constantly be fighting with my logic, but when I see that starting to happen, I turn down the intensity of both.

    I don’t know if I’ll come out of all this. I do know, though, that it will take a lot of effort and energy, and I feel like I have none left. So what am I supposed to do?

How will I achieve my goal when I can’t even take the first step? Is there another way?